Sometimes I think I really should drink…all the time. I try to spend as little time as possible in this space because it’s so uncomfortable. Control is gone and with it the illusion. I hate not knowing…if I’m on the right path or if I need to make some changes to get where I want to be…where I want to be…It’s not like you can just ask someone for the answers. The fact is you can’t count on anything or anyone. You have to handle your shit yourself because no one else gives a damn about your choices and decisions and life. If you don’t fight for it and want it, then whatever “it” is likely will not be yours. It doesn’t matter who sees a spark of greatness in you. It’s up to you to invest in yourself and turn that spark into a roaring fire.
Potential is starting to feel like the lottery. Like everyone can buy a ticket, but few will actually win. Finding your way on a career path or in relationships seems like total dumb luck; however, in the book, What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson, it seems evident that paths aren’t random at all. We will find ourselves on the very path we are meant to be on. A formula for how to get there is still a mystery to me at this point. Some of us prefer the long way around and some us can’t get there fast enough.
I know little for certain, but I do know I never feel at home, really. There are people who feel like home to me and I always carry with me, but the places I’ve lived have always felt temporary. My office for example, I keep very few personal belongings there. I don’t paint walls in my house because I think I’ll move to a different place or I won’t be here that much longer. It’s as if these places I’ve lived are just stops along the way and I hate the way that sounds. I know not everyone is like that. The guys at work move in whole armies of action figures and the dotting mother every photograph of her children taken for the last 5 years. Why don’t I do that?
Maybe it’s the constant thought that geographically I’m not in the right place for things to happen for me. But who the hell knows? That could all be the biggest load of crap. I mean I’m not trying to be an actress or something in North Dakota. I’m just trying to find my way, while stacking the deck by being in a place with more opportunities than I have now to do I don’t know what.
If you get anything out of this rant, hear this, no one should ever have to care more about your life than you care. Do not expect them to. Be your own number 1 fan. You have more power than you know to make, do, and be. There is no one like you, so be bold, be fierce, and be unapologetic about all of it.
You are ready to be center stage doing whatever it is you want. Now let’s all get to finding out exactly what we want to do.